2/8/12
Emily.
I miss her. I miss her so much. I miss that goofy laugh of hers. That way she used to smile, run towards me, give me the greatest hug and nearly knock me off my feet. When she used to hold her small warm hand in mine and swing it back and forth. When whenever we sat down together she'd sit slightly closer to me then any other person and sometimes even rest her hand on my thigh or her head on my shoulder. When I found cute little notes scrawled all through my school books by her. When she would show me a picture that she'd drawn for me and was so proud of it. When we would sit under a tree and she'd lay down and rest her beautiful face in my lap, looking up at me with big eyes. When we would listen to two different songs at once and laugh about how they sounded together. Those long, slow walks we took around campus every morning. When we took silly photographs together. She told me everything. Then one day, she told me her father got a position a thousand miles away and had to move. I cried that night, and the night after that and the night after that again. In those three nights, I realized that my feelings were more then that of a friend to her. It scared me. The first person that I knew I for sure loved, was girl, my best friend. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how I felt, what if she were to be so grossed out that she hated me and never talked to me again. I kept my mouth shut. We kept in contact for a while. I comforted her every night over the phone for the first two weeks that she was there, she would fall asleep sometimes, those nights I'd whispered my love to her over the phone while she slept peacefully. After the last night that I had spoke those poisonous words to her. I noticed her being unusually quiet on skype that day. I asked her what was up, my stomach was churning and I was dreading what I knew I was about to here. "Last night, I heard what you said just before you hung up." when I heard that, it made me want to vomit and made all the color wash from my face. I remember replying with something like "I thought you were still awake, silly me." we had said I love you to each other before, but what friends haven't? She made nothing of it after that, although I think she saw through my lie. A few days later, we were on skype again. She said she wanted to tell me something, that same feeling of nausea was back.
1/7/12
You say you're sorry. But. I don't believe you. Deep inside I feel like all you want from me is sex. You're always mentioning it and shit when you know I'm not ready. You've already stole away almost the last bit of my innocence. I only have my virginity left, but it doesn't feel like it's mine. I just want everything back. I want normal feelings back, I want to feel secure again, I want all of my innocence back. I want myself back.
You know that feeling of just absolutely breaking down in tears for hours on end. That's what's coursing through my veins right now. Although, nothings happening. I'm as calm as the snow on the outside, but my mind is in a storm. Why can't my mind and body just communicate anymore and let my feelings come naturally. I'm so tempted to self harm right now, just so I can physically feel something. But no, I promised I wouldn't and you threatened me for if I were to do it again, you would do it also so you could feel my pain. I do not want you to suffer, but this numbness is taking over me and I need to feel something again soon. Axel and Reese haven't even said hello to me properly for a while. It's like not only that I've lost myself, but now I'm losing Axel and Reese. But maybe, it would be a good thing if they leave for good.
You know that feeling of just absolutely breaking down in tears for hours on end. That's what's coursing through my veins right now. Although, nothings happening. I'm as calm as the snow on the outside, but my mind is in a storm. Why can't my mind and body just communicate anymore and let my feelings come naturally. I'm so tempted to self harm right now, just so I can physically feel something. But no, I promised I wouldn't and you threatened me for if I were to do it again, you would do it also so you could feel my pain. I do not want you to suffer, but this numbness is taking over me and I need to feel something again soon. Axel and Reese haven't even said hello to me properly for a while. It's like not only that I've lost myself, but now I'm losing Axel and Reese. But maybe, it would be a good thing if they leave for good.
1/5/12
Something's just not right. I can feel it inside of me. In my blood, bones, stomach, everywhere. You're acting differently, but yet you're still acting the same. Maybe it's just Reese playing jokes on me. But recently, I have been feeling things on my own. Maybe it's just been an overload of feelings and I'm short wiring. Let's hope that's all it is and not something else.
11/1/11
LOL.
"Ew, wtf. Stop trying to be such a try hard slut."
Hunny, I'd love to see you have the slightest of evidence of how I'm the try hard slut, but I bet I can provide some evidence of how much one you are?
"Oh I'm so awesome. I have pictures of myself with pills." Sweet heart, they're aspirin,
"Oh look, I'm bad ass. I have a picture with my finger up in it." You just look stupid.
"I'm not a skank! Just because I have my tits hanging out in my pictures doesn't mean I'm a skank." Yeah, sure thing. What ever floats your boat.
"I'N SU DRANCC" no. no you're not. Being drunk doesn't effect your spelling that bad.
"I'VE RAN OUT OF WEEDDDDD." Good. It's not like you have anymore brains to melt.
"I take meth! ;D" With what money?
"I loved kissing you last night babee! xx" Well that's awkward. You weren't with your boyfriend last night?
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Practice what you preach little girl.
I don't go take drugs, and even if I did. What's to brag about?
Drinking is something you do to celebrate something with friends, not yourself because you're bored.
I cover up, like tanks that don't show any cleavage and band t-shirts. I also live in my jeans and board shorts.
I'm also loyal to my lover, because I do actually love him.
Hunny, I'd love to see you have the slightest of evidence of how I'm the try hard slut, but I bet I can provide some evidence of how much one you are?
"Oh I'm so awesome. I have pictures of myself with pills." Sweet heart, they're aspirin,
"Oh look, I'm bad ass. I have a picture with my finger up in it." You just look stupid.
"I'm not a skank! Just because I have my tits hanging out in my pictures doesn't mean I'm a skank." Yeah, sure thing. What ever floats your boat.
"I'N SU DRANCC" no. no you're not. Being drunk doesn't effect your spelling that bad.
"I'VE RAN OUT OF WEEDDDDD." Good. It's not like you have anymore brains to melt.
"I take meth! ;D" With what money?
"I loved kissing you last night babee! xx" Well that's awkward. You weren't with your boyfriend last night?
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Practice what you preach little girl.
I don't go take drugs, and even if I did. What's to brag about?
Drinking is something you do to celebrate something with friends, not yourself because you're bored.
I cover up, like tanks that don't show any cleavage and band t-shirts. I also live in my jeans and board shorts.
I'm also loyal to my lover, because I do actually love him.
10/15/11
You mad bro?
You think you're mad doing drugs with someone you don't even know? You think it will make you popular by bringing alcohol to a party? You think it's cool to go get laid by getting him drunk while he has a girlfriend? Also, trying to get with another guy at the same time who could be your baby sitter who also has a girlfriend? You think it's rough that your parents are fighting? You think doing two or three chores a week is hard going and that it's bull shit you should have to do anything? You get pissy when people call you a skank for asking people for sex? Because hun, that's what a skank does. You think dropping out of school at the end of the year is not going to effect your career? Yeah sure if you want to be a hooker. You think wearing your tank so low you can see your entire bra makes you beautiful? Get over yourself and act your age. People who you have been friends with for a long time will judge you and tell you not to do this shit. Why? No, not because they're shit friends. It's actually because they care about you and don't want to end out with 2 STD's, pregnant, and who knows what else. Hopefully soon, something bad will happen to your sorry self and you will realize what you're doing is going to fuck the entire of your life up. (:
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Rant over and I feel much better. Now it's time to go punch someone out.
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Rant over and I feel much better. Now it's time to go punch someone out.
10/14/11
Draft for Dale-bell, Emily and Bailey c:
DEAR DOODLEY AND EM CHAN AND BAERII,
I haven't yet edited this. So yeah ;p It will have a lot more detail and shit etc when I get around to it.
YOU ALSO. should help me name this story.
and provide me a new name for Duke. I really don't like his name BUT I CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHERS. also. a name for the hotel.
Enjoy reading this draft thingymabobby.
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It’s been years, in a few minutes I will be seeing my best friend again. 4 years ago he left to go to boarding school in England. I sat anxiously in a chair at the airport. He was supposed to get her 2 hours ago but the flight got delayed.
The female robotic voice I’d been listening to for the last few hours sounded again, “Flight 207174 from London, England has landed.” I sprung from my chair and ran towards the doors where the passengers would walk through. My heart sunk, after more and more people flooded through. But yet there was still no sign of him. Even after the was no one else walking through the doors I still waited. I slumped down to the chair I had been sitting in before. Beside me was the present I made for him, wrapped with brown paper and tied with butchers string. My face fell deep into my hands and tears silently fell.
“Duke?” a voice groaned. My head rose to my name, it was him.
”Jeremy!” I shouted, springing from my chair once more. His face was paler then normal and his bleached hair was damp. “Are you okay?” I asked, pressing my hand against his burning forehead.
He smiled softly chuckling, “I don’t like flying.” I embraced him.
”You’ve grown so much.” I said into his shirt that smelt like vomit. And, he had. The last time I had saw him he was only slightly taller then me, but now, he was a foot taller then me.
He brushed my red hair out of my face behind my ear, “Let’s go get my bags okay?” I nodded and followed him towards the luggage wheel. In one hand, I carried my bag that held his gift, in the other, I held his. I had known Jeremy since middle school, he had been so shy when we got paired together to be science partners. I was lucky to have him as my partner, science was my weakest subject and still is. Jeremy was so smart, he taught me so much. We waited at the carousel for his bag, finally it spun around to us and he leaped out and grabbed it. He heaved it down and it landed with a thud onto the trolley. We stepped outside the main doors, it was raining.
”I’ll call a cab.” I said as I dropped my bag down and walked back inside. I asked the lady at the front desk for the cab numbers, but she said just to walk around to the left side of the car park and there will be cabs waiting there. Jeremy stood there leaning against the wall, with a picture frame in his hands. I knew I shouldn’t of written his name on the packaging that was now scrunched up on the ground.
”You have the hand writing of a third grader Duke.” He chuckled and look up at me. His cheeks were filled with some colour now.
I blushed, “I wanted to give you that myself.” The present I had got for him was a photo of us. We were in seventh grade at the time, and had just won the school science fair together. We used the cliché project of a volcano and had red paint covered all over us and our white lab coats. Jeremy put his arm around my shoulder as we looked at the photo, that’s how we were posed in the photograph too. Our hair was shorter and both our natural colour, brown, We had these goofy grins on our faces. I licked my tongue over my teeth. I had had braces in grade seven. Jeremy grinned at me and squeezed my shoulder. He still had a goofy grin with his adorably large dimples.
”Do you remember how many weeks we spent together making that volcano?” He asked, picking up the crinkled paper and rewrapping it.
”It took yonks!” I laughed. We walked over towards the cabs, right up to the one at the front. Jeremy lifted his suitcase up into the back trunk. I could see the strain in his arms from the heavy baggage.
“To the (name of the hotel) please.” I said to the foreign driver through the window. He huffed and we slid into the back seat. The cab smelt disgusting, it was like something had died mixed with rotting vegetables and cat urine. Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but it was still pretty bad. I resisted screwing my face up at the smell, but Jeremy couldn’t. His mouth twisted and turned. So, not only did I have to keep a straight face from the smell but also from how funny Jeremy’s faces that he made at it were. We finally reached the entrance of the hotel, it was huge, but I already knew that. I had stayed there the night before Jeremy got here. I man dressed in a tuxedo came to the door of the taxi and opened it letting us out.
”Thank you.” I smiled at the worker. Jeremy attempted to get his bag out of the back of the taxi, but another man dressed to impress took it from him and put it onto a golden and red trolley.
“To room 126 please” I smiled once more and the man took off with the trolley.
“Are you hungry?” I asked Jeremy with my stomach rumbling.
“Not exactly, but you are.” he laughed. Not on any of our phone calls or web camera sessions had Jeremy laughed this much, he’d always be sighing or looking down. It warmed my heart to see him so happy. We walked to the restaurant that the hotel provided. My eyes widened to the large mass of delicious food.
I broke into song, “Food! Glorious food!” My voice sung out.
Jeremy started laughing once more, “You’re a crap singer Duke.” It slightly offended me but I didn’t care, I was starved. I filled plate after plate with food, almost inhaling it as I ate. But Jeremy just sat there with his plate of mixed berries, slowly picking at them. I groaned after I finished my fourth plate of food.
“Indigestion?” Jeremy raised his eyebrows at me. I unsnapped the top button of my jeans, oh the relief.
“Maybe I should of stopped after the second plate.” I moaned. Jeremy plopped a raspberry into his mouth and stood up.
”Come on now, I want to see our room!” He was smiling once more. I struggled to get up and pointed towards the elevator.
“Onwards!” I jokingly commanded.
”Uh uh,” Jeremy shook his head, “I’m taking the stairs. Those berries were coated in sugar.” I rolled my eyes at him, he was healthier then ever. It paid off though, he looked beautiful with his strong arms and legs, and entire body actually. Unfortunately, I had been indulging in mountain dew, candy and corn chips. Which also showed slightly. I waited for the elevator whilst Jeremy jogged up the stairs. Finally, the elevator pinged and the doors opened. I stepped in and pressed the number 5, it glowed green. That stupid music that elevators play was playing, it made me even more sleepy after my meal. An elderly lady was in the back of the elevator, she was going to the seventh floor.
She was probably thinking in for some reason a Russian accent, “What on Earth is a teenager doing here?” I chuckled in my mind as the scale at the top slowly showed what level we were on, G, 1, 2, on 3 a middle age couple stepped in and went to press five but it was already glowing. 4, 5. The doors opened, the couple and I got out. After turning down two corridors I found Jeremy jogging on the spot at the door to our room. He had brightened up even more then from before. I swiped the card through the thingy-ma-bob and the door clicked open. Jeremy gasped, our room was huge. It had large windows that opened out onto the city, which Jeremy had sprinted to and pressed his face against. Also, it was obvious that when his bags had been dropped off, room service had came too.
I haven't yet edited this. So yeah ;p It will have a lot more detail and shit etc when I get around to it.
YOU ALSO. should help me name this story.
and provide me a new name for Duke. I really don't like his name BUT I CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHERS. also. a name for the hotel.
Enjoy reading this draft thingymabobby.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s been years, in a few minutes I will be seeing my best friend again. 4 years ago he left to go to boarding school in England. I sat anxiously in a chair at the airport. He was supposed to get her 2 hours ago but the flight got delayed.
The female robotic voice I’d been listening to for the last few hours sounded again, “Flight 207174 from London, England has landed.” I sprung from my chair and ran towards the doors where the passengers would walk through. My heart sunk, after more and more people flooded through. But yet there was still no sign of him. Even after the was no one else walking through the doors I still waited. I slumped down to the chair I had been sitting in before. Beside me was the present I made for him, wrapped with brown paper and tied with butchers string. My face fell deep into my hands and tears silently fell.
“Duke?” a voice groaned. My head rose to my name, it was him.
”Jeremy!” I shouted, springing from my chair once more. His face was paler then normal and his bleached hair was damp. “Are you okay?” I asked, pressing my hand against his burning forehead.
He smiled softly chuckling, “I don’t like flying.” I embraced him.
”You’ve grown so much.” I said into his shirt that smelt like vomit. And, he had. The last time I had saw him he was only slightly taller then me, but now, he was a foot taller then me.
He brushed my red hair out of my face behind my ear, “Let’s go get my bags okay?” I nodded and followed him towards the luggage wheel. In one hand, I carried my bag that held his gift, in the other, I held his. I had known Jeremy since middle school, he had been so shy when we got paired together to be science partners. I was lucky to have him as my partner, science was my weakest subject and still is. Jeremy was so smart, he taught me so much. We waited at the carousel for his bag, finally it spun around to us and he leaped out and grabbed it. He heaved it down and it landed with a thud onto the trolley. We stepped outside the main doors, it was raining.
”I’ll call a cab.” I said as I dropped my bag down and walked back inside. I asked the lady at the front desk for the cab numbers, but she said just to walk around to the left side of the car park and there will be cabs waiting there. Jeremy stood there leaning against the wall, with a picture frame in his hands. I knew I shouldn’t of written his name on the packaging that was now scrunched up on the ground.
”You have the hand writing of a third grader Duke.” He chuckled and look up at me. His cheeks were filled with some colour now.
I blushed, “I wanted to give you that myself.” The present I had got for him was a photo of us. We were in seventh grade at the time, and had just won the school science fair together. We used the cliché project of a volcano and had red paint covered all over us and our white lab coats. Jeremy put his arm around my shoulder as we looked at the photo, that’s how we were posed in the photograph too. Our hair was shorter and both our natural colour, brown, We had these goofy grins on our faces. I licked my tongue over my teeth. I had had braces in grade seven. Jeremy grinned at me and squeezed my shoulder. He still had a goofy grin with his adorably large dimples.
”Do you remember how many weeks we spent together making that volcano?” He asked, picking up the crinkled paper and rewrapping it.
”It took yonks!” I laughed. We walked over towards the cabs, right up to the one at the front. Jeremy lifted his suitcase up into the back trunk. I could see the strain in his arms from the heavy baggage.
“To the (name of the hotel) please.” I said to the foreign driver through the window. He huffed and we slid into the back seat. The cab smelt disgusting, it was like something had died mixed with rotting vegetables and cat urine. Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but it was still pretty bad. I resisted screwing my face up at the smell, but Jeremy couldn’t. His mouth twisted and turned. So, not only did I have to keep a straight face from the smell but also from how funny Jeremy’s faces that he made at it were. We finally reached the entrance of the hotel, it was huge, but I already knew that. I had stayed there the night before Jeremy got here. I man dressed in a tuxedo came to the door of the taxi and opened it letting us out.
”Thank you.” I smiled at the worker. Jeremy attempted to get his bag out of the back of the taxi, but another man dressed to impress took it from him and put it onto a golden and red trolley.
“To room 126 please” I smiled once more and the man took off with the trolley.
“Are you hungry?” I asked Jeremy with my stomach rumbling.
“Not exactly, but you are.” he laughed. Not on any of our phone calls or web camera sessions had Jeremy laughed this much, he’d always be sighing or looking down. It warmed my heart to see him so happy. We walked to the restaurant that the hotel provided. My eyes widened to the large mass of delicious food.
I broke into song, “Food! Glorious food!” My voice sung out.
Jeremy started laughing once more, “You’re a crap singer Duke.” It slightly offended me but I didn’t care, I was starved. I filled plate after plate with food, almost inhaling it as I ate. But Jeremy just sat there with his plate of mixed berries, slowly picking at them. I groaned after I finished my fourth plate of food.
“Indigestion?” Jeremy raised his eyebrows at me. I unsnapped the top button of my jeans, oh the relief.
“Maybe I should of stopped after the second plate.” I moaned. Jeremy plopped a raspberry into his mouth and stood up.
”Come on now, I want to see our room!” He was smiling once more. I struggled to get up and pointed towards the elevator.
“Onwards!” I jokingly commanded.
”Uh uh,” Jeremy shook his head, “I’m taking the stairs. Those berries were coated in sugar.” I rolled my eyes at him, he was healthier then ever. It paid off though, he looked beautiful with his strong arms and legs, and entire body actually. Unfortunately, I had been indulging in mountain dew, candy and corn chips. Which also showed slightly. I waited for the elevator whilst Jeremy jogged up the stairs. Finally, the elevator pinged and the doors opened. I stepped in and pressed the number 5, it glowed green. That stupid music that elevators play was playing, it made me even more sleepy after my meal. An elderly lady was in the back of the elevator, she was going to the seventh floor.
She was probably thinking in for some reason a Russian accent, “What on Earth is a teenager doing here?” I chuckled in my mind as the scale at the top slowly showed what level we were on, G, 1, 2, on 3 a middle age couple stepped in and went to press five but it was already glowing. 4, 5. The doors opened, the couple and I got out. After turning down two corridors I found Jeremy jogging on the spot at the door to our room. He had brightened up even more then from before. I swiped the card through the thingy-ma-bob and the door clicked open. Jeremy gasped, our room was huge. It had large windows that opened out onto the city, which Jeremy had sprinted to and pressed his face against. Also, it was obvious that when his bags had been dropped off, room service had came too.
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